When something good happens in your life you want to share it. For me it is about my faith, my family, quilting, cooking, the new kitchen gadget(or sewing gadget), gardening, taking photos and traveling. If someone asks me where I like to go or would like to go, you better be prepared to hear me talk about it and see family vacations photos...
I never, ever, repeat ever, expected to feel this way about loosing weight, getting into shape, fitness, trying new things to become physically active and be passionate about it.
As of this date I have officially lost 41 pounds. There is a lot more to go, but this is a drop in the bucket, but its my bucket. I made this bucket as full as it is, was it all by choice, no, was some of it medically induced yes; in control(or rather not in control) made me what I am today.
When I was younger I was very fit, very thin, very full of myself. I dressed well and I looked nice in my clothes; tall and thin was a fabulous combination. I didn't have time for anything else other than fashion, working to support my fashion, studying it with great interest and going out looking nice. No real substance other than that. It wasn't until I was married and pregnant with twins that focus began to sharply change. I no longer lived for me, but for the health and well being of others. Since I was on extreme bedrest the entire pregnancy, you begin to think about things for the forever part of your life. Four kids later, a back injury that caused me intense pain combined with lack of exercise, a couple of surgeries to non-spinal related things and voila- you have an overweight me.
It is amazing how you see yourself, or rather what you don't see about yourself. What you say to cope with how you look and feel when you look in the mirror and how you begin to stand in front of the mirror so you won't look bad when you get ready for your day. Just another little lie you tell yourself. In your mind you think that you will loose weight when you have time, or you will start to set aside time next week to do this. Funny thing is, that time never comes, it's just another little lie you tell yourself.
If you are not willing right now to put down that bad habit, food item, trigger thing and just get up out of your desk chair or couch to go for a walk to move your body, you will never be. Do I like to work out in the cold, absolutely not. In the intense heat, again I am not a hot weather chic..so give that a big no. Can it be in the 60's with low humidity everyday of the year so I can go do my power walks, again a no to that. I used to hate to sweat, really disliked it, I sweat now and give myself I pat on the back like a badge of honor. It's part of the territory, the plus side is that it makes your skin healthier and you have a glow to your face that you didn't have.
To the thing- the thing that woke me up... I hated what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. I killed myself on a daily basis of what I saw in it. That is not honoring to God at all. If He created a perfect person in the likeness of His own image; was I honoring it when I assassinated my appearance? Did I give satan a chance to further the negative voices I heard - absolutely. Am I all healed and perfect now? Not a chance. No one is perfect.
I became tired. Tired of feeling fat, tired of the constant pain I felt, tired of saying I can't or I'm in too bad of shape for that. I even revolted on the spinal specialist who told me my daily regiment was going to be muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatory and pain medicine. I don't like to take medicine as it is, but to be told "that is going to be your new life", nah, don't think so. I cannot stand to be told that I or my children cannot do something. Watch us prove you wrong!
In April of 2012 I went to Florida to see my two BFF's. We have known each other from High School and the one I was actually good friends with. It is and was good to reconnect with people who knew you before you became the adult you are, plus they know your history.
I am the person behind the camera. You can't have photos taken of you if you are the one taking them - I think these things through! We had a great time, we laughed, we didn't sleep much, ate fabulous seafood and pastries next to the Bay and reconnected our souls. After I got home I sent her some of my photo's for approval before they went on Facebook. My beautiful friend was brokenhearted by what she saw in herself. She had gained around 60 pounds and as she says "was in denial that there was anything ever wrong with her". As she says now "where was my conscience all of this time". I didn't see the flaws, I just saw my friend, she was perfect to me. I saw in those photos laughter, smiles, her look of "I'm doing this for you" and there were memories attached to every single photo. She was horrified and the photo's never went up on FB.
She and I had a heart to heart a few days later. We talked about what we wanted from our life and as we are getting older, do we think bad habits are not going to have consequences down the road. We both agreed that "this" was going to change. She was my final catalyst of ceasing the denial and stopping the excuses. I began on April 22, 2012 to log into an online diary to track my calories and be accountable to me. Now I had joined this site in 2011 and was "outraged" that I was being told what I could have and not have, so after a couple of weeks of spotty logins, I quit. Out of sight out of mind..right?
My sub conscience said that I was going to try this out, to not put too much credence into it. Because I was just going to fail again, be completely crushed and decimated that I, again, failed.
Every mountain is climbed one step at a time. You cannot run up the side of a 8,000 foot mountain in your heels on your lunch break; why would I assume to think this about my body?
My 'ah ha" moment if you will was this... I was in pain in bed, I was awoken by back pain, I was loosing mobility by not moving enough, I woke up with pain and I traveled my day in it also. What did I have to loose at this point? How many more bad excuses did I own? I was too tired to fight me any longer and it all needed to stop. I was tired of being invisible. I was tired of being lonely in a crowded room because I wasn't as ___ or as skinny as _____. If I wasn't going to start now, I was never going to start. My changed life began right then.
"It took us awhile to get into this mess, it will take us awhile to get out of it. This didn't happen overnight". This became our personal mantra if you will. We would talk for endless hours about food choices, exercise, obsessing about how our bodies were going to respond, lack of initiative or excuses. She was my safe place to go to. She was my accountable person as I was to her. Even if I have way more weight to loose than she does. It doesn't matter if you have 20 pounds or 200, how you feel and perceive your body affects your life. If it is an issue to you, than it is an issue. As long as it in a healthy way of looking at things. I've been down the anorexic road before, it is a dark haunted path.
I logged every single thing that went into my mouth or didn't. I logged in my water like a good girl and I hated to drink. Coffee or tea only please. Chocolate, don't mind if I do....errr don't anymore. Have you seen how many grams of sugar and fat that is in that stuff packaged in a little itty bitty piece?? Did I discover that I had been eating way too much all the time...no. Did I discover that skipping eating all day long until 2 in the afternoon wasn't a smart choice for a non breakfast eating gal like me...yes I did. Did I discover that what I did eat in the wrong amounts and combinations coupled with a shot metabolism and lack of physical exercise was an issue...yes I did.
Food is not bad, it is not the enemy. You need it to sustain you. You cannot drive across the country without any gas in your tank or attempt it with a misfiring engine, what makes you think that you will be any different? Did I discover that I needed to move my body, absolutely! Was it going to resurrect the demons I shoved in the closet..yes. Is my health worth it, yes.
I started to walk in my neighborhood at night with my daughter. We live in a very hilly area and I own a killer hill on my street. It became my own personal little mountain. At first I avoided it thinking that it will kill me when I've already done a mile or two. Did I bring along my inhaler, yes. Did I have asthma attacks at first, yes I did. Did it stop me, no.
I told myself that I had to loose a bit before I went to the gym because I was too fat....seriously how messed up is that? It's what was in my head. The object here is cardio, move your body and exercise your heart. The benefits are lasting and your reward will be weight loss and muscle toning, these are all pluses. The day I climbed the hill and did my loop without stopping and hitting the inhaler was a personal mountain top experience, and I cried. I could do it, they said I couldn't and I did and I proved to myself that I was worth it and could do it. There may have been a fist pump, a happy dance and a "thank you God" crazy girl walking that night. I have found that I adore walking in the evening, I find it very peaceful and I am stunned by the beauty at night.
I hit the gym one brave night with a friend, I got on the treadmill, fell off the treadmill, made mistakes and people watched while I was there. I watched how others used the machines, the free weights and moved from place to place. I went later at night when the gym was less crowded and I started doing the same things. A few weeks later I noticed my pants fit baggier, my shirts were becoming roomier and people started to notice a few differences about me. Even if my personal life was starting to implode around me, the treadmill was constant, so were those hills.
I became aware of the foods I was eating and began eating cleaner, organic and put away the old ways. I stopped consuming too much sugar, watched my fats and carbs, took my vitamins everyday and logged the amounts in the online diary.
Funny thing about that online diary...I you don't log in, it will not come for you. If you lie on it, you are lying to yourself. If you cheat on the amounts, no one will know but you and God and if you ignore it, well it will still be there when you go back. The thing is, will you resort to your old habits?
When people ask me "Tell me what you are doing to get into shape, I need to loose _______" I share the above facts. I tell them it is not a diet but a lifestyle change and there is not a magical cure to fix this. If there was, everyone would be on "it". It is done by hard work, soul searching, denying self to enhance self, realizing you are stronger than you gave yourself credit for and looking forward to each and every day. To try new things. I am now a devotee of the "elliptical"(bane of my existence it was) and I love love love my Zumba!! I have a great instructor and I enjoy bouncing around burning upwards of 700 calories in an hour and improving my muscle tone. No one judges there! I am also starting yoga, will soon start the 30 Day Shred and Insanity is looking good to me...
As of this morning I have logged into Myfitnesspal for 215 consecutive days. As of this morning I have recorded 41 pounds lost, countless inches dropped (what a bonus surprise that was!) and am in clothes I haven't worn in 4 years when I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now.. And I have made some new friends to take along in my journey from all over the world, how cool is technology?! Do I have more to loose, yes. But as I mentioned before, I am climbing that mountain slowly and cautiously, I'm not near the halfway point yet and as I turn around and look back, I know the view is much better from up here.
PS..My friend has lost 52.5 pounds, her husband is taking her on her first cruise for their 25th anniversary on New Year's Eve, she has 2.5 more to go to her goal weight and 5 more to reach her ultimate goal of 60. She is four days ahead of me on logging and hasn't missed one single day!
YOU ROCK GIRL!!!!!!!!!
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